D eciding to serve your spouse generally sparks a mix of feelings – anxiety, determination, and hope. And the biggest question most people have is, “What happens after you serve your spouse divorce papers?” The truth is it’s a bit complicated as it’s a combination of legal formalities and an emotional odyssey.
Yes, this can be scary, yet we want you to know you’re not alone. We’re here to support you as you move forward toward your new life.
Although emotions are involved, initiating a divorce is a legal process. And as such, it requires careful attention to detail. So, understanding “what happens after you serve your spouse divorce papers” from a legal perspective may help calm some of your fears and allow you to manage the details a bit better.
It’s important to work with an expert in divorce to help you navigate the legal process. Each state has different divorce laws, so there’s no one-size-fits-all guidance. That’s where your attorney can help. They can guide you through the legal process, make sure your paperwork is completed correctly, and that your interests are prioritized.
However, you don’t have to hire an attorney to get divorced. You can do it yourself. It’s just that for most, hiring an attorney can help you have peace of mind because you know you’ve got someone in your corner in case your divorce is contested, or your situation is complex.
If your spouse agrees with the papers or doesn’t respond within the set time, the court can grant the divorce based on the terms you laid out. If they choose to contest the divorce, the process will require more effort (and usually expense) to get through the legal process.
Mediation can be extremely helpful for ironing out the details of your divorce settlement, support agreement, and/or child custody agreement. A mediator is someone who is familiar with the divorce laws in your state. Their role is to remain neutral as they help you and your spouse resolve the sticking points.
After reaching an agreement through mediation, you may still need to make a court appearance or more depending on the laws in your state.
Keep in mind that mediation usually works best for couples who are not high-conflict.
Unfortunately, mediation does not work for everyone. Some divorces are so complex and/or contentious that they go to trial. Yet, this is not the norm. Only about 10% of divorces go to trial .
Although the legal process has some structure, your experience will be unique because your situation is unique. So make sure you have the support you need to navigate the legal portion of what happens after you serve your spouse divorce papers.
The legal process is what it is. However, the emotional process around what happens after you serve your spouse divorce papers has no such rules to be followed. This can make it much more challenging to work through.
There’s no way to predict the type of reaction you’ll have after having your spouse served. You might, as many women do, experience relief because you’ve taken the first legal step toward the end of your marriage. Unfortunately, this relief may not last because there are often so many other steps that need to happen for you to be truly free.
Other women skip the feeling of relief entirely and become anxious because of all the work that lies ahead. Still others continue mourning the loss of what was or what will never be. Whatever your reaction, give yourself grace. Know that you can and will find the freedom you desire.
What is nearly universal is that this period after serving your spouse is unpredictable – at least from an emotional standpoint.
Some days, hours, or even just minutes you might feel hopeful and optimistic. While at others you feel fearful, angry, doubtful, or sad. That’s just the nature of major life transitions. Because of this cacophony of emotions, you must find ways to cope.
For many, finding ways to cope requires a support system. You may have trusted friends you can lean on. You may also choose to join a support group , hire a divorce coach , or work with a therapist.
You may also find that it’s not just your emotional process after serving your spouse with divorce papers that you need to navigate. You may also need to work through and with the reactions of your children, family, and friends. They’ll each have their own perspectives, needs, and advice to offer.
Yes, there’s a lot to deal with as your marriage ends and your new life begins. However, you can choose to view every emotion and thought you have throughout the process as a step toward the future of freedom you imagine. As you move forward, know that every emotion, every doubt, and every hope is a step toward healing and rediscovery.
There’s nothing truly straightforward about the complicated journey of divorce. And the most difficult things to deal with are the unpredictable timetables of the legal and healing processes.
It’s likely you’ll experience the legal process as painfully slow. There are legal complexities, difficulty reaching agreements, and the backlog of cases in the court system that can each inhibit your receipt of a final decree.
Most of these are out of your control and feeling out of control of your life is difficult. You may feel stuck in the process – neither married nor divorced. This can really wreak havoc with your sense of self and ability to move forward toward the life you so desperately wanted when you served your spouse with divorce papers.
Then again, you might find that your divorce happens very quickly – just as you hoped! Yet, even this can cause problems. You might feel overwhelmed trying to adjust to all the changes.
Whether the pace of your divorce is fast or slow, remember that you need to find ways to ground yourself and yet still remain flexible. Ultimately, it’s an exercise in acceptance of all that comes with this transition.
One activity that can help you be grounded yet flexible is pausing to reflect. Explore your feelings, expectations, and aspirations to uncover your inner wisdom’s clarity and direction. The following thought-provoking questions are a great place to start your reflections:
When you embrace it for what it is – the end of one chapter and the beginning of another – you’ll be well-positioned for growth and transformation.
As you move forward, remember that you’re not alone. Many women have their own story of serving their spouse with divorce papers. Since you’re still writing your story you can use theirs as inspiration to craft one that is filled with hope and possibilities.
Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oftentimes complicated experience of divorce and reinvention.
Learn about Frida’s Group here, our powerful, 6-month coaching, support, and community program f or women in the MIDDLE of the divorce or separation process.
*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”